On Dancing Through A Pandemic
OK. So, I honestly don’t know where to start. This sh*t sucks, and I don’t have to tell you all that. You get it. You’re dancers. You’ve all lost your income too. I guess I just want you to know that I see you. I’m with you. And just because we’re all going through it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t share our story.
Two weeks ago, with about a day’s notice, I rented a car with my boyfriend, loaded up my life and my cats to drive Upstate to be with my parents who are dealing with medical issues unrelated to coronavirus. (Don’t worry, we’ve been taking all kinds of precautions to ensure that we didn’t bring the virus up from NYC.) It’s not a bad place to isolate, and it’s certainly larger than my 350 square foot apartment. Though I’m incredibly grateful to be able to help them during this difficult time, it’s odd, after living in NYC for 20 years, to move in with your parents indefinitely. I’m going to do my best to keep Being A Dancer moving forward, but for now, I’m being gentle with myself.
We will all be experiencing the stress of Covid-19 in different ways at different times. We’re dealing with some serious grief and mourning here. Not to mention that some of us were already anxious and overwhelmed before this thing started canceling our jobs and our lives. And every single one of us has a different method of coping. Some people jump right into action. Some need to sit back and wait and process. And I’m here to say: THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO DO THIS. The number one important thing is to use each other. And even more importantly: keep checking in with yourself. All day long.
One day last week, I woke up feeling great and hopeful and positive, savored my morning ritual cup of coffee, and took a virtual ballet barre in my living room. I reveled in how good it felt to move, to connect with the art form that has been the most important and powerful through line in my life for as long as I can remember. And then I sat down for lunch, thinking I’ll use that momentum and positive mindset for afternoon productivity…and all of a sudden I crashed. I couldn’t move. I became paralyzed by the weight of not just me losing my income, but my entire community losing their livelihoods: income is one thing, but the ability to express ourselves and experience joy on a daily basis in class and rehearsal and onstage…that’s what keeps us alive.
As important as I believe it is to find the positives, to be aware of your thoughts and to understand the power of mindset, and realize that we have the power to change our mindset whenever we want, blah blah blah, I also deeply believe in the importance of feeling the sh*t out of your feelings. Recognizing when you’re feeling depressed, anxious, afraid. We can’t force a feeling to disappear, or to move through us more quickly. In fact, the more deeply we feel and allow an emotion to move through us, the better we’ll feel in the long run. Unfortunately, it’s really hard to see the “long run” right now. And those emotions are pretty uncomfortable, especially since we don’t really know how long any of them will be around.
So…yeah. Honestly, I could go on and on and on about how and why this is affecting me so deeply. There’s so many layers to it. But I will say this:
Like everything, dealing with this pandemic experience will not work on a single upward trajectory. We will not one day miraculously wake up feeling “happy,” suddenly only able to see the positive, the hope, the light at the end of the tunnel, and hold onto that for the duration. All the things we are feeling—fear, overwhelm, anxiety, stress, optimism, hope, joy—are with us all the time. At this point, I’m not even going one day at a time. I’m going one moment at a time. And constantly checking in with myself, asking:
What do you need right now??
Do you need to get off social media?
Do you need to seek out photos of friends’ kids?
Do you need to work on your website?
Do you need to cuddle with the cats on the couch?
Do you need to watch Netflix?
Do you need to put a time limit on Netflix?
Do you need to go out for a walk?
Do you need to cry? Meditate? Journal? Phone a friend? Say yes to a virtual hangout? Say no to a virtual hangout? Bake? Do some jumping jacks? Blast some 80’s music and have a dance party?
I don’t know about you, but I’ve done all of that in just the last two days.
A reminder: Wherever you are is exactly right. Whatever you’re doing is exactly right. Whatever you’re feeling is exactly right.
I see you. I feel you. I am with you. I am here for you. Reach out to me if you need ANYTHING. Reach out if you don’t even know what to say. Reach out if you have found a way of coping that works for you that you would like to share with others. In the meantime, keep breathing. One breath at a time.